Coffee Club Newsletter ©
Volume 18, No. 6 - March 11, 2008

Good afternoon Coffee Club members. We have no comment on what follows. As always, any similarity to persons actually living or events actually happening is strictly coincidental.

TR: Good afternoon. Are you Governor Spitzer?
ES: Yes, I am. Who are you?
TR: I’m sorry. I thought you had been told. I’m the Timid Reporter with The Coffee Club Newsletter.
ES: Who are they…affiliated with The New York Times?
TR: No sir, it’s an office coffee club…
ES: Never mind, what are you doing here? I left instructions I didn’t want to be disturbed.
TR: I thought you might have a few words for our readers. The maid let me in.
ES: You know, I had a press conference about the whole affair so I’m not going to get into that again. My wife was right there with me, too. Talk to my lawyers.
TR: I don’t know anything about any affair. I came to see how you and Mrs. Spitzer decorated your apartment and to take a few pictures.
ES: Don’t you read the papers? Watch TV?
TR: Sorry, I try not to. It just confuses me.
ES: Did the FBI send you? I already apologized. They’re trying to hang me for going to an x-rated movie, it seems like to me.
TR: I don’t go to movies either but if that’s what you like, it’s not my business. Can Mrs. Spitzer join us?
ES: She’s at her sister’s.
TR: Sorry. Maybe you can tell me how you chose the décor and the color schemes?
ES: I’m innocent. I was just trying to have a little fun. Roosevelt had a mistress and so did Kennedy. Jefferson had an illegitimate child, for crying out loud. Why am I the only one they want to hang?
TR: I just want to know about the décor.
ES: Fine. Let me tell you. If they’re mad at me for criticizing Wall Street, you can tell them they have had their fun. Now, just leave me alone.
TR: I have to at least take a few pictures. I won’t get paid unless I take some.
ES: You know, that reminds me. I didn’t even take pictures. I at least had the decency not to take pictures.
TR: I have no idea what this is about. If you have pictures maybe I can use those.
ES: No, no, no. I have no pictures.
TR: Then I can take my own?
ES: You’re too late. It will never happen again.
TR: I don’t know what you mean.
ES: If my constituents have the heart and understanding to forgive and forget, I will be ok. I think it’s a small thing.
TR: You mean, like going to an x-rated movie?
ES: Not even that bad. You know, I have the greatest wife and family in the world. I was out of my mind. My appetite got the best of me. It could happen to anybody. The stress from the Republicans was horrific. My real friends will understand.
TR: Do you think I should go out and get a paper?
ES: No, no, no. It will just confuse you. They will sensationalize anything just to sell a few more copies.
TR: Is Mrs. Spitzer coming home soon?
ES: She will be here any minute. Ask her about the dark green in the foyer. We argued about that for months. She won that argument.
TR: Was the giant aquarium your idea?
ES: Yes, but I wanted sharks in there. She didn’t. She won that argument, too.
TR: And the red wallpaper?
ES: You know, in any other country, the people would be proud of their governor for being such a stud.
TR: You like red wallpaper?
ES: My wife chose it.
TR: She won that one, too?
ES: Yes, but even so, I love her to death. She is truly a joy. I love her dearly.
TR: Did you decorate any part of the apartment yourself?
ES: I picked out the small painting over there.
TR: Which one?
ES: The one by my official governor’s photo.
TR: The one in crayon?
ES: Yes. I did it when I was in the third grade.
TR: Why did you put a throw rug on the large sofa?
ES: It’s a blanket.
TR: That’s an odd way to decorate. Your wife did that too?
ES: How did you know?
TR: I was just guessing.
ES: Yeah, right.
TR: So, other than the crayon picture, you had nothing to do with the interior decoration?
ES: Absolutely nothing.
TR: How do you compensate for that?
ES: I govern the State of New York.
TR: Do you have anything for my readers that they might feel grateful knowing?
ES: Yes, absolutely. Tell them there’s a big difference between dignity and integrity. I may have lost my dignity in a big way, but I still have my integrity. I think that’s what they’re afraid of. Other than apologizing in front of millions, there’s not much more I can do. Strom Thurmond didn’t even apologize.
TR: I will print that, even though I still don’t know what this is about.
ES: Thank you. You are a true friend.